And So Summer Begins...

Ok, technically it began a while ago, but with bits and bobs happening on the personal life front, I haven't really thought much about art for a while...

Actually, it's probably more like I've avoided art...on purpose lol

You know, I'm actually a bit afraid of summer. I've never enjoyed the summer holidays - in school, I was that kid who wanted nothing more than for September to roll around and for the homework to start up again =_= painful, I know, but summer makes me feel lost, like I don't know what to do with myself.

I've got so many projects lined up, so many doodles to sketch out, so many amazing story lines to show to the world...and I never get any of it done. I always say, 'I'll get my pencils out later', or, 'I'll just finish doing (insert mundane pointless task here) first' etc etc. But really, I don't want to have to put pencil to paper and realise that I just can't pull it off.

Because that's what usually happens. When all is said and done, the 'epic idea' always turns out to be not-so-much with the epic. And I know why.

In my class, there are people who love what they're doing so much that I can't even describe it. They work so hard and put so much of themselves into every drawing and frame and idea that when I see them, I wonder what on earth I'm doing. If I woke up tomorrow and could never hold a pencil again, I'm not sure how I'd feel. I honestly don't know if it would bother me. Isn't that awful? How can I do this course without the fierce passion that is so obvious in the people around me?

I mean, look at this blog - when was the last time I updated anything? Even with my Uni blogs - when was the last time I drew something that wasn't required of me?! It's pathetic.

There are so many things that inspire me - anyone who knows me knows how much I love reading, and if someone offered me a job tomorrow to just read for the rest of my life, I know I'd take it. But that doesn't mean I don't love animation - I've felt the awe and been moved to laughter and tears, sometimes all at once, by pieces that I was seeing for the first time, or some that I've seen more than I can count. I've been amazed, surprised, excited, felt my heart race or stop in its tracks, often at work done by the people I spend every day with. But I can't be a part of that group, can't say that I stand in line with those people, because I just can't do what they do.

I thought I'd found a place for myself in the possibilities as an 'animation producer', and it certainly seemed a good plan to go forward with. Even now I expect I'll continue along that road, because for me, it's probably the easiest option. Don't get me wrong, there'll be nothing at all easy about it, but it scares me a lot less than the idea of having to stand side by side with my friends and colleagues, with a heart only half full.

And so summer begins - I'm not sure where I'm going or what I'm going to do when I get there. I don't know if I can continue with a career that doesn't set my whole being on fire. But the people there are certainly worth the effort, so I'm hoping that, with a little help, I might find something I want to burn for.